lambastes crossword clue Jokes

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming, Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope, Not a clue", she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!' Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert... shoulda bought a hat..."

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants. "An elephant?" The zoo director asks. "Yes, the biggest one you have, please." the man says, quite certain. "I mean, we can do that..." the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. That's $5,000 per day of rental alone and an additional $4,000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too." "That will not be a problem." the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's $10,000 for your troubles." With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address. "Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personnel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifyingly high cost. "You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is all this for?" "Well, you see", the man explains, "My wife's brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit. But this evening... This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'Yes I know.'"

I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day. I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun. So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair. That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack. Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't. Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T. My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!

Kevin gets a New Secretary. A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions. Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice." Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check." Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin: “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.” Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.” Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.