How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.