My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.