Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.