Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.