The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.