"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?