My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.