“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.