"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.