What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.