Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”