Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”