Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!