I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.