My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.