What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.