How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.