There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.