I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.