I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.