How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together