I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy