Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.