The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.