Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.