He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."