What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.