What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back