Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.