When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.