Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.