The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?