“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.