My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.