A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."