Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.