My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.