I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.