What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.