Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.