What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!