Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.