I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.