My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.