I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.