My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"