I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.