I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!