A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.