My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.