My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.