There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.