As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.