My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.