What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!