Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"