My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.