My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!