As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"