I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.