What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?