I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.