My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.