Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.