My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.