My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.