Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.