How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!