My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.