My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"