Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.