When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.