What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.