My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."