When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.