I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.