My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.