What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”