What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"