Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.