Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.