I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.