My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.