My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.