My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.