What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.