Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"