I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence