Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.