My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.