I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.