What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.