How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”