My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"