Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.