My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.