Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.