If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.