Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.