My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin