What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.