What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.