What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.