I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.