Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.