My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
The superconductor left without resistance.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.