What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.