My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.