When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words