I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?