What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.