My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.