When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.