Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.