My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck