What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor