A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.