I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.