I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.