The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!