I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.