Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.