Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.