The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.