I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?