Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.