What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!