What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07