I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.