The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.