What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.