I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?