I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.