When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.