How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.