My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.