My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over