Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.