Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
To get to the other tide.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.