Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Air resistance is a real drag.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!