More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Ah! The element of surprise.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"