Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.